Does cancer have to pop in my head for every little thing?

Sorry that it has been a little while since my last post. But as I have stated before, no post = things are going great and I am living my life. Four weeks ago was my last scan. I did have a bit more scanxiety than normal as my back was twitching, some soreness & pain. Of course these feelings in my back were very a very similar location to the pain I had that originally let me to my diagnosis. Those pains & twitches started about one week before my scheduled contrast CT Scan. Well, it was only a week away, so I kept those fears to myself. Not until the day of the scan, I messaged my oncologist and nurse practitioner about the previous week and how today would be a good day to get my my scan results quicker than normal. And they did just that. I had my scan at 9am and got my results back by noon. All is great in my scans, I was worrying about nothing. So long story a bit longer, all is going great for me in regards to my cancer.

Which kinda leads me to my other thoughts / comments … and yes, I am going to possibly swear a bit more than normal on this than normal. But to state the obvious, having cancer Fucking Sucks!!! Right now I am having pretty bad elbow pain, I have no idea why the pain / no idea where the pain came from. So then you wonder, is it related to my cancer? I doubt it is … but these are the thoughts that run through one’s mind. Then a few weeks ago, I was not able to make it to Logan’s high school baseball game. I was listening to the game on Game Changer while drlving. He was having a great game and as I am driving, I start thinking about how long I might have to live. And then I think about my boys not having their dad around. So then I just start crying while driving … really? All I was doing was listening to my son’s baseball game. Totally sucks thinking about my mortality, I won’t say on a daily basis these days … but still, I am thinking about my mortality more than any one person should. Then, I still get questions from friends, who think because I am doing so well, that my cancer is cured or it is in remission. As much as I would love to tell these friends that they are right, unfortunately they are not. I will ALWAYS having cancer and unfortunately due to it being stage 4 (it went in to my blood stream), I will never be in remission. Now true, they are finding new treatments all of the time and their is that group in Israel that announced a cure for Cancer by the end of the year (one can only hope & dream) … but as it stands today, I will always have Fucking Cancer. I will always have my mortality on my mind. It really does suck having to think about these things (cancer & dying) as much as I do. And there are just too many very good people out there having the same / similar battles with cancer that I am having. I know it is cliché, but it is NOT fair. Totally sucks!

Oh, a tidbit I got at my oncologist appt. 4 weeks ago, apparently the average lifespan for Afatinib working. If you don’t remember, Afatinib is the targeted therapy I am on. One pill a day. It is not chemotherapy. It is not immunotherapy. It is called a targeted therapy. Well, back to the point, average lifespan for Afatinib working, is 10 months … I am up to about 18 months. So let’s keep beating this curve, let’s have Afatinib working for years … once it stops working, I will move on to another targeted therapy … that is how this cancer-thing works. I will go from medication to medication for the rest of my life. I gotta kick this cancer’s ass!

I think I had other thoughts and things to convey in this post … but as I am typing, I kinda forgot what the other things I was going to write about were. So maybe I will just end it with these thougths. Thank you everyone for the love and support. Thank you everyone for the thoughts and prayers. I will continue to kick cancer’s ass for many years to come! You all are such a great support team, thank you for that. And as always, but this time I am gonna change it up just a little bit … FUCK YOU CANCER!!!

Uneventful can be a good thing

So here we are, Monday, September 10 marks ten months since that dreadful day I first heard the word, “cancer” in regards to my health. I remember hearing that “I think we found cancer” statement like it was yesterday. Crazy that it has been 10 months … so very crazy! Every 4 weeks for the last 10 months, I visit the oncologist’s office at the UCSD Cancer Center. Every 8 weeks, I get a Contrast CT Scan. This past Monday (Sep. 10), I got yet another Contrast CT Scan to check on the status of my cancer. This time around, I did great with Scanxiety (anxiety that comes leading up to / around scan time). Actually, no scanxiety leading up to this scan. But later that same scan day, it hit me I had not heard from my Nurse Practitioner (NP) … and so many times before, they text me the same day to give me the good news on my scan. So of course, at about 7pm that day, I realized I had not heard anything … thus my mind starts racing. Trying to keep my mind from racing can be a challenge! I definitely don’t like the dark places my mind goes. Happy to report, Tuesday morning I heard from my NP and all is stable, which is good. Sure, I would love to hear that there was shrinkage, but my oncologist and my NP told me long ago, that getting news that my cancer is “stable” is good news in their eyes. I totally understand that, but that does not change the fact that I have very high aspirations of achieving NED (No Evidence of Disease). Then later on Tuesday, I saw my thyroid doctor, yep, I am hypo-thyroid too. My doctor is great. I got to share with him my latest and greatest since I only see him once a year, I had to inform him of my new normal in regards to my cancer. He was funny, acknowledging that compared to lung cancer, I am probably not so much concerned about my thyroid. I told him that unfortunately, yep, he is right. He asked about who my oncologist was, I told him Dr. Bazhenova. He was very familiar with her. Then he asked what I found to be a very interesting question, he asked how often I actually get to see her. He acknowledged how in demand she is / how big of a name in lung cancer she is. It felt good to hear this about my oncologist … especially since I told him I probably see her every 4 out of 5 appointments.  I went on to say how great both she and her team are. I have said this before and I will say it again, I am so over the top stoked on how great of a team I have! So that brings us to today … yep, same routine: drive to UCSD Cancer Center, get blood draw, Xgeva injection, visit with Dr. Bazhenova, visit with my Clinical Trial person, pick up my Afatinib prescription for the next 4 weeks, fall behind on work as I am at the Cancer Center for about 2 to 2.5 hours … yep, pretty darn routine, pretty uneventful. But given the cancer is under control and it is not growing – I will take “uneventful” any day! So all good for the next 8 weeks! Yep, living 8 weeks at a time, my new normal. Thank you all who are subscribed to my blog. Have a great rest of the week and of course, as always … F’Cancer!

Can’t we just say NED and call it the day?

Today was a FANTASTIC day! I met with a physician’s assistant at UCSD. Dr. Bazhenova is speaking in Canada about lung cancer and Jennifer (my NP) is on vacation out of the country. The nice thing about UCSD, everyone I have met there has been so great! And today was no exception. Today was another day of great news! While there have been two lesions in my left lung … yesterday’s Contrast CT Scan now only shows one lesion. Yep, that is right, the other lesion shrunk down to nothing! Now here is where I wish things could be nice and black n’ white. The remaining lesion has not done anything in the last 16 weeks as far as changing size. It could be that this lesion is not cancerous. It could be scar tissue, it could be something else, there is the chance that this 1.3 cm lesion is NOT cancer. So of course, I want to find out if it is or not. I want to know if I am truly NED (NED = No Evidence of Disease). I want there to be celebrations, bells ringing, fireworks, high fives, everything that would come with the celebration of “NO CANCER!”. But here is where I will just have to live with the not knowing 100%. Options in finding out if this lesion is cancerous … They could biopsy it, but why stick a needle in my lung if not absolutely necessary. They could remove it … but again, why have lung surgery if not absolutely necessary. We could zap it with radiation, but what if somewhere down the road, I might need radiation in the same spot / same area, they would not be able to do radiation in an area that already had radiation. So in the end, none of these possible scenarios to find out if the final lesion left is actually cancer are a good idea. But FANTASTIC news … no cancer in my back, down to one one lesion in my left lung … and quite the possibility that this final lesion may not even be cancer! Now that makes today a very, very good day! Am I NED … quite possibly so!

Now, just to share my “needle issues” from yesterday & today: Regarding yesterday’s Contrast CT Scan, I just have to share the not so fun part of yesterday & today. I think I jinxed myself. As they were taking me back yesterday, the nurse asked me if I have had a Contrast CT Scan before … I made light of it, mentioned how I get these every 8 weeks and they are a piece of cake. Well, I spoke too soon. After a couple of scans without the contrast fluid, they then announced the Contrast fluid was about to be injected into my blood stream. They had set up an IV for this. Well, as the fluid was to be entering my blood stream, I felt a pain in my elbow. I had not experienced this kind of pain before during the injection. It turns out, my vein was not taking the fluid. So they had to remove the IV and try it again, this time in my other arm. That did not take either. Apparently I was a bit dehydrated. They brought in a new nurse, for her to try … nope, she poked my left arm, failed. She then poked my right arm, failed. So then they brought in nurse #3. This was getting frustrating, but at least nurse #3 was quite cute, so I had that going for me. But I was not happy about my getting poked by a needle a 5th time. She did a few things to prep my arm and in the end, apparently 5 times is a charm. The 5th one took. But then fast forward to today’s blood draw. After my arms were just a little bruised, the NP today, when she went to inject me for the blood draw, she did not succeed, so she had to get a 2nd nurse. I was thinking to myself, “what the hell is going on here?!?” Luckily the 2nd nurse succeeded on her first try. I am not afraid of needles, but I definitely don’t love them either … hopefully yesterday’s and today’s issues with the needles is a one time occurrence and this does not become a regular thing.

But back to the GREAT news … one lesion in my left lung … and possibly not even cancerous. Am I NED? I sure as heck would like to say I am … And with that I will end this post. Today was a FANTASTIC day! And as always, F’Cancer!

Contrast CT Scan time!

Blood draw and Xgeva Injection time!